Happy Holidays everyone!!!
I hope you all had a wonderful and fantastical Christmas spent with friends and family, but I have a feeling many people out there didn’t get to spend the holidays the way they originally had hoped. With Omicron on the loose and COVID cases rising, it feels like god damn March 2020 all over again. What is safe and what isn’t safe is a thin line I’m constantly trying to draw out for myself. And in the last month, I’m sure my desire to mingle, see friends and go for a dance would be considered reckless to many but for myself, I fucking needed it.
I am sitting at my writing desk in front of my large three glassed bedroom window and watching the sky drizzling down onto the gray concrete. The pitter pattering rain obliterating itself into small puddles nearby is like ASMR to me. I can barely feel my pinky toes because it’s so cold in my room and I’m too lazy to turn on the space heater just three feet away from me.
Winter is officially here and I feel the calmness the holiday season always brings along with it. Okay. I lied. There is both chaos and calm during the month of December. All the busy shoppers and excess traffic makes me stay inside more than I already do. But ever since I was young, December meant staying inside more because it was wet and cold outside. It was a time of resting, taking more naps, reading, watching tv and shamelessly doing nothing. We’re all ready to put our feet up for the holidays, indulge in a little excess sugar consumption, eat to our hearts content and say our goodbyes to another year older and hopefully wiser.
2021 was a year of absolutes. I lost my older brother. I got dumped. My best friends mom passed away. I lost friendships. Three of my pets died. I faced an identity crisis. Came to terms with my sexuality. I booked my first national commercial. I had my face blown up on NY Times Square. And after struggling financially for years, I paid off all my debts and have a nice little savings. I feel both incredible gratitude, love and longing. Longing for a life I once lived when my brother was alive and becoming who I am now without him. It’s a big shift that I’m still getting used to.
Once grief comes knocking at your front door, the only thing you can do is let it in. At least that’s what I decided to do. I didn’t want to hide from it nor run away from it. If there’s anything I knew, I knew that running from my pain would only prolong the process of healing. So I let grief engulf me. I let it take me where it needed to go. I walked through the darkest days of my thirty years living on this earth. And there were times I wondered if I’d ever make it to the other side. I cried. I screamed. I pitied myself. And I constantly asked, “How the fuck does this get better.”
As days turned into weeks that turned into months, I realized it wasn’t about changing my unfortunate and shitty life circumstances. It was about changing the perspective I held towards it. It was about changing the story I told myself. Because yes, for the rest of my life I will miss my brother but holding onto the grief every waking moment of my life would drown me. I think grief is just all of the unexpressed love that we carry for the love we have lost. But instead of carrying my grief in sorrow I try to carry it with hopeful delight. And it has made all the difference.
10 Things I Learned This Terrible Year
We will all die. If you live with this truth every single day then I can *almost* guarantee you will live your life lighter, more free, more daring, more bold and 100% more authentically your own.
Everything can change in a single moment. Life happens in a moment. We are born in a moment. You are reading this this moment. You get a phone call that can change the trajectory of your life forever in a moment. This moment is all there is. Life happens right here. So if you are in a shitty situation or you’re depressed or you’re worried or you’re scared, just remember that everything can change in one single moment. Don’t give up.
Chocolate makes everything better. Even if it is only for a momentary bliss.
Just because you failed at something doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Keep trying.
It is 100% okay to let go of friendships. Sometimes you don’t even recognize someone is a negative force in your life but if you you feel drained, depleted and emotionally exhausted after you talk to someone then you should probably cut your ties with them. It’s better to live a life alone in your own joy than in the misery of others.
The things that scare you the most are the same things you need to face. So don’t be scared and go face them.
Your attitude says so much about your character.
Listen to your body and drink enough fucking water.
Accept the fact that you don’t know shit. Because it not only humbles you but it makes you curious to learn more about the things you don’t know. And if you think you know everything, well my friend, you won’t learn much.
Life is not that serious. Get over yourself.
Some Photos
This months newsletter is short. And it’s hopefully sweet. As always… thank you for reading. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas spent with your loved ones and/or friends. I will speak with you all again soon. Oh and before I forget… happy fucking new year. May 2022 bless you with all the love, good health, wealth and joy. See ya next year.
xoxo,
Lisa
I always look forward to your posts!! Happy holidays and new year! ❤️
Hey Lisa! I've been a somewhat long time follower of your writing... I think it was in high school so like over 5 years ago that I first came across your writing blog. I felt a surreal amount of comfort and relatability that life is going to be okay. But I came across your blog again after all these years and found the same sense of comfort and relatability. You also sparked an inspiration in me to write my own newsletter (the audience is for close friends and family) and to continue creative writing. Thanks so much for what you do.
In case you wanted to check out my work:
https://medium.com/@yjklee
-Another Korean Queer Girl!